Disclaimer: Law & Order: Special Victims Unit and all characters are property of NBC and Dick Wolf.
Summary: Olivia crosses a threshold.
Author’s note 1: okay…I have to admit that I am currently obsessed w/ this pairing…I've only watched l&o: svu a few times…sporadically, but after watching a few recent episodes…I'm hooked on this 'ship…
Author’s note 2: this is unbeta'd…so i take full responsibility for any errors or evidence of 'tardation…
Archiving: Only with the permission of the author.
Detective Olivia Benson was staring at the door. She contemplated its many parts, from jamb to frame, anything to prolong the task at hand. As Olivia continued to regard the door, it dawned on her that it had a purpose, a meaning, this barrier between her and the world that existed on the other side of it. She became acutely aware of what that door contained beyond its threshold. It was the reality of that awareness made her extremely uneasy.
She tried to rationalize why she was standing here. Olivia ran her fingers through her light brown hair, then they threaded themselves behind her head, as if the action validated her reasons for being there. But deep down, she knew the truth.
She braced herself as she proceeded to raise her arm to firmly rap her knuckles against the door. Olivia held her breath as she waited for a response. A sinking feeling had taken hold of her insides and it was all she could do not to empty whatever contents were presently in her stomach.
By the time she decided that this was in fact a very bad idea, the door suddenly flew open. "Detective Benson, to what do I owe the honor of your presence, and at such a late hour?" There was venom in Assistant District Attorney Casey Novak's voice and that more so convinced Olivia, this was definitely not a good idea.
The first thing she noticed about the woman standing in front of her was her attire. Gone were the stiff, dark, form fitting, power suits and fuck me heels. They had been replaced by form fitting cotton under garments, a tank top of an outlandishly loud shade of orange with matching panties. Though the color was something left to be desired, the style itself only accentuated the fitness of the body they clung to. It wasn't until she heard an impatient sigh that Olivia realized she had forgotten herself, and the question that had been posed to her. "May I come in?" After a small pause, as if to deliberate on the question, Casey finally stood aside and gestured for Olivia to come into her apartment.
And with that, Olivia crossed the threshold into the world beyond the door.
Olivia was barely in the apartment when she heard Casey close the door. That's when she realized there was no turning back. It was time to finally tell the truth.
Casey leaned against the door with her arms folded across her chest. Olivia hated that look, the one that was extremely aggressive and all too cocksure. The assistant district attorney's brash manner both infuriated and fascinated the detective. However, in this situation, that stance was incongruent with the vulnerability of her current outward appearance. This was what Olivia is thought as she again noticed barely covered, porcelain skin stark against burnt orange that clashed violently with red tresses. Olivia's eyes continued their journey downward until they lingered upon soft, supple, pouty lips that just begged to be kissed, bitten, sucked and devoured. And smooth, creamy thighs that seamlessly merged with long well muscled legs. Casey Novak was a walking cornucopia of carnal delights.
And all too suddenly, she pressed Casey up against the very door she had contemplated only moments before. If ever there was a purpose for a door, then this was surly the best. Something primal had been unleashed with in her and it poured itself into every nip, bite, and grope. Olivia was consciously aware of the roughness of her touches against flesh that bruised far too easily, but the need to consume this body had become too great and she was far beyond thought or reason.
Not that the red head was passive in anyway. Quite the contrary actually, Olivia thought. Casey Novak was definitely in the spirit of the moment. Her movements didn't so much encourage Olivia, as they dared her. Casey's slender hands traveled about Olivia with both precision and purpose. Black leather, and white cotton instantly became blurs and Olivia was too caught up in the whirlwind of the rawness of emotion and the intensity of the sensations coursing through her. She was unaware that they had somehow managed to reach Casey's bedroom in their current state of tangled limbs. And the realization was only brought about by the sharp pain in the back of her knees as they slammed against the hard metal of the bed frame. At some point Casey had seized Olivia's belt buckle and yanked the strip of leather from her jeans, along with the buttons along the fly and in one swift motion, she had the detective on her bed without a stitch of clothing.
Casey straddled her, and pinned her arms to her sides. A moment of panic crept in, but passed just as quickly as she looked up above her. Their eyes locked for a moment and there it was again, that smug look. The one that made her think that she was in control. And seeing that look was all she needed. That was the point that the detective let go. She gave in to the ADA's ministrations, reveling in the sensation of Casey's tongue flicking across her right nipple. A sharp intake of her breath elicited and increase in the pressure and intensity. She knew the red head was teasing her, taking her time to punish Olivia for her transgressions and to make a point of who was in control. She leaned down and savagely claimed the brunette's lips once more, while her hips kept a steady, rhythmic, rocking motion. Olivia desperately wanted to touch her, as the dull ache of need started to surge. She involuntarily tightened her hold on the sheets beneath her and her breathing became more jagged. Casey slithered down her body tracing her tongue along Olivia's torso. Her hands slid along the brunette's arms and her grip became vice-like. The detective's mind tried to register how beguilingly strong the other woman was, but the fact that her mouth was currently sucking on her clit made it hard concentrate.
The red head finally relinquished her hold of the detective, however it was only long enough so that she could spread her apart wide enough to position several of her slim fingers inside her. Olivia's arms immediately wrapped themselves around Casey's neck as she held on for dear life. She could feel her hips give way to the building pressure and all she could do was beg for sweet relief, but Casey sped up her pace and increased the pressure of her strokes. Olivia didn't last much longer, the guttural sound that erupted from the pit of her stomach, announced the arrival of her orgasm. Her body became a heap of convulsing jelly for several moments before the aftershocks died down.
When she was finally able to open her eyes, she saw Casey staring down at her with that shit-eating grin of hers. She was lost in a sea of stormy blue, hooded and triumphant. Olivia realized that she had underestimated the ADA. Or maybe she overestimated herself. She came here with good intentions, only to be thwarted by the thing she did not want to acknowledge. Yet here she was, defeated, and betrayed by her desire, leaving common sense in its wake. But she figured if she was going down, she wasn't going alone.
At first their kisses were lazy. Then, as the touches increased, the kisses became more feverish and demanding. Olivia's senses were on over load. Casey's tasted of caffeine and sugar, with hints of mint. Her body was lithe, but firm to the touch in some places, but soft and pliant in others. The detective lost herself in the myriad scents that lingered in the air, unable to discern which were hers, which Casey's and which were the combination of them both.
As rolled over, she captured Casey's wrists above her head in one hand as her other began to work itself in and out the sloppy wet gap between her legs. She heard the other woman's whimpers of nonsensical words and that just urged her that much more. She swiftly flipped Casey onto her stomach and as one hand continued to piston her fingers against the tight ring of muscle, the other had a fistful of flaming red hair. She dipped her head into the crook of her lover's neck so that she could offer her own lyrics of nonsensical murmurings. She felt the tremors that mirrored hers from minutes before. And in that moment something happened to Olivia. She experienced a moment of extreme clarity that immediately brought her halt.
"I-I have to go."
She got up so suddenly she nearly tripped over an arrantly strewn boot.
"Liv? What's going on?"
She didn't answer. She heard the confusion in Casey's voice and knew if she didn't leave quickly, things were going to go from bad to worse.
When she reached the bedroom door, all she could do was repeat the words she uttered before, "Casey, I have to go."
"No! You don't get to do that! You can't just ream me out one minute, fuck me the next and then just walk away without so much as an explanation!"
"What do you want me to say Casey?" She asked plainly. "I want you to tell me what 'this' is." The red head gestured her fingers between the two of them.
"It is what it is Casey."
There was defeat and sorrow in her voice and she prayed that the counselor would let it end at that, but knowing the dogged determination of the other woman, she knew that would not be the case.
"You know what detective, I didn't ask you to come here, but you can go now. I should have my head examined for letting you in here in the first place. But rest assured I won't be making that mistake again."
"Then I guess tonight, we both made mistakes we won't be making again."
One Month Later:
"Come back to me when you have more evidence detective."
As Assistant District Attorney Casey Novak exited the squad room, all eyes followed and wondered what bug crawled up her ass this week. Detective Elliot Stabler had also noticed the friction between his partner and the current ADA. At first he thought it was because of the Levy case, but that was a month ago. It definitely had to be something that ran a lot deeper than what happened then.
"Hey Liv, what's up with you and Novak?" He asked his partner. "Nothing's up Elliot." She told him, flatly. "Could have fooled me. Seems like every time you two get in the same room together, the temperature drops about twenty degrees." He retorted.
Elliot just shook his head and chucked. He decided that whatever was going on between the two of them, would come to some kind of resolution. He just hoped that no one would get caught up in the backlash.
The walk to the ADA's office was normally a short one, but this trip was different. Casey hadn't spoken to her since the night at her apartment. And Olivia couldn't really blame her for the way she reacted. Truth be told, she was far angrier with herself. Casey deserved better. The very least she owed her was an explanation, even if it wasn't the entire truth. Considering what that truth was, it definitely was not an option, at least not yet it wasn't.
The detective rounded the corner into the hall that led to the office of the assistant district attorney. She took a moment to brace herself for what she was sure to be an extremely chilly reception. "Twenty degrees my ass, Elliot."
Olivia opened the door and saw Casey sitting on the floor surrounded by a mountain of files. She looked very much the way she did the first time she walked into her office. She thought it funny how then the red head seemed ridiculous, and now, she simply looked endearing.
"Casey, do you have a minute?" she asked softly.
"Unless you have that evidence I requested or came to discuss the case, then no, I don't have a minute. As you can see I'm up to my eye balls in files, and seeing how I'm regarded by certain members of this department as, how did you phrase it?" She tapped her chin. "Oh yeah a 'glorified desk jockey, with her head up ass.' I think it best that I do at least try to look like I know what I'm doing."
'Ouch. Nothing hurts more than having your own words thrown back in your face.' Olivia thought to herself. And she deserved everything the counselor dished out, but she was determined to try and make things right with her.
"Casey, I think it's time we talked about what happened."
"Please detective, I think we've said all that needed to be said on that particular topic." She said while getting up from the floor, until she was able to stand with her arms crossed over her chest and backside leaned against her desk. A brief smile ghost across Olivia's lips, as she stood before the red head, regarding her in what she had dubbed "the stance. If the situation weren't so screwed up, the entire exchange would have been quite funny.
"Fine. If that's how you feel, but there is one thing I want you to know."
"And that would be…?
"For what it's worth, that night… I honestly wanted to be with you." And with that disclosure, Detective Olivia Benson turned her back and walked out of the ADA's office.
Bolts of lightning lit up the New York City sky. It was a violent storm and in Olivia Benson's apartment, the storm seemed to fit the mood within its confines. The past month had been pure hell on her and not just because of the situation with Casey, but also because she had to bury every emotion she was feeling deep inside. And the burden of that was eating away at her slowly and very painfully. And despite constantly being around people, she felt very much alone.
The knock at the door startled her. Her training as a police officer kicked in and she sprinted to the door to check the peep-hole, making a mental notation as to where she left her gun. Her eyes met the distorted image of a very wet assistant district attorney. She quickly opened the door. "Casey?" "Oh god, you're shivering. C'mon in before you catch pneumonia." The red head wordlessly followed the brunette into the apartment. Her sneakers squeaked against the hardwood floors, leaving behind a trail of rain water.
Olivia walked into her bedroom to retrieve some dry clothes for Casey to change into. A million thoughts raced through her head while she searched for something to give the other woman to wear. First and foremost, she wondered why Casey was here. It had to be incredibly important if she was willing to brave the mess outside to come here. And if that were the case, how was she going to handle the situation?
"Here, take these. I put some towels in the bathroom so you can take a hot shower to warm up a bit, and I'll put on a kettle for some hot tea."
Casey had returned from the bathroom twenty minutes later and still hadn't said a word as to what she wanted or why she was there. They sat there in extremely awkward silence. She took in Casey's current state, garbed in her navy blue NYPD t-shirt and gray jogging pants. Her hair was slicked back from being wet and Olivia noticed the slightest hint of curls at the ends. She seemed even more pale than usual, and she seemed a whole lot younger too. Despite herself, Olivia was enthralled and images of that night flitted in and out, like some cheesy montage from a 1950s movie. Her thoughts made her realize that the young ADA wasn't always what she seemed, especially to the casual observer. What you saw was not necessarily what you got. And that made her that much more dangerous and alluring.
The sound of a mug hitting the coffee table disrupted her train of thought and caused her to look over in the direction of the younger woman.
"Why did you come to me that night?" She finally asked.
"I wanted to apologize for the way I reacted while on the Levy case." She answered. "I was out of line and shouldn't have said the things I said to you, despite the fact that you endangered not only yourself, but also every person involved in backing you up. I can appreciate your enthusiasm, but you're not a cop Casey. You're not trained to do the work that we do. But I had no right to say the things I said."
Casey looked Olivia directly in the eyes and said, "I get that Olivia. And I would have been okay if you said that exact same thing to me that day. But you didn't. You humiliated me in front of the entire squad. You wanted to hurt me. I mean, I've come to accept the fact that we weren't ever going to be friends, but despite your initial hostility toward me when I first started this assignment, I thought we had reached a point where we could at the very least, respect each other. I had no idea you hated me as much as you do." The detective was taken aback. The statement was so off, it almost made her laugh out loud, but given Casey's current frame of mind, she thought better of it.
"I don't hate you Casey. It's just…"
"You don't like me very much?" She interjected. It sounded more like a statement than a question. "No. That's not true either."
"Then what is Olivia? Because I sure as hell don't know." Casey said sadly.
The brunette got up from the chair she had been sitting in and crossed over to where the red head was sitting on the couch and knelt in front of her. "It's complicated." Casey hesitantly took Olivia's hands into hers and looked up at her with imploring eyes. "So, uncomplicated it for me."
Olivia took in a deep breath and exhaled. "Everything was getting too real for me."
"What do you mean 'too real.'?"
"You, me, us. It was happening so fast and that's just not me. Jesus Christ Casey, I practically forced myse…" She stopped abruptly, she couldn't bring herself to utter the words that were too follow. Olivia got up and walked over to the window, she watched the drops of rain that cascaded down the glass. She could also see Casey's reflection, sitting on the edge of the couch with her head bowed. The familiar ache reared its ugly head and she would give anything for it to just stop. It was more than she could bear.
"I…lost control." She finally said.
The room became silent again, Olivia's words still hung in the air, and saturated the room. The rain continued to pound against the window pane, keeping a steady rhythm. The detective felt like crying and waited for tears that never came. She didn't know what the other woman was thinking and the silence was unbearable and once again she felt totally alone. She could feel the tension seizing her body and felt helpless against it and it made her that more angry and frustrated. Olivia wanted to scream, and rage against something, anything, just to make all of these feelings go away.
Just as she was beginning to lose all hope, she felt it, a light touch on her right shoulder. She could see Casey's reflection through the window. Her face was red and streaked with wetness. Olivia slowly turned around and pulled her into her arms. And they stood like that by the window, clenched together as if their very lives depended on it.
After what seemed like hours, they pried themselves apart. Olivia was a little more than embarrassed, but was appreciative of the moment of comfort they just shared. Casey was still looking at her when she began to speak. "There are so many things I wanted to say to you. So many things I wanted to yell at you and… and now, I'm not sure what I want anymore." "What happened in my apartment that night Olivia, was consensual. It wasn't terribly tender or romantic, but it was apparently something that we both wanted."
"I…I'm sorry Casey. I don't know how to explain my mind set that night."
"Was it me or would've any warm body do?" She asked Olivia.
"It was you Case. It was definitely you." The detective's admission confused the counselor. "That's what I don't understand Liv. There was never any indication that you were attracted to me and then all of a sudden you're at my door and we're having mind blowing sex and the next minute you're gone. None of it makes sense." She threw her hands up in frustration.
"I told you, it's complicated."
"What makes it complicated Liv?
"C'mon Casey, it's pretty obvious isn't it?"
"No, it isn't. I don't know what you want from me. I can't even understand how we got here to begin with. So no Liv, there's nothing obvious about any of this."
Olivia sighed. She had avoided telling the other woman the real reason that brought about the current situation they found themselves in. How could she explain herself without opening old wounds that only recently began to heal? She didn't want to dredge up the past anymore than she wanted to consider the future, but the question was, would there even be a future if she didn't let go of the past?
"When you set off to go after Miriam Levy on your own, I got scared… I was upset and angry. And it was starting to feel like...like…I just couldn't go through that, not again…especially not before…" She hesitated, not sure just how much she could reveal, how much of herself she could give away, So she changed tract, "Given our line of work, it would just be total insanity to get involved with anyone, let alone someone from the same house. It just…It just can't work."
There was yet another moment of silence, Olivia thought that maybe the red head was mulling over what she had just said. She had to admit that much of it didn't really make sense to her and she wondered if Casey understood any of it herself. She heard her sigh, and then she spoke, "I'm not Alex, Liv."
There was something in her voice that broke Olivia's heart. There was an indescribable weariness in her tone. It's as if she had gone down that particular rode more times than she could count and yet here she was, traveling down it yet again.
"I know that Case, and no one expects you to be." She told Casey as she stroked her along the length of her arm. For her part, Casey held Olivia's hand and looked directly into her eyes and said, "And as far as us getting involved, incase you haven't noticed, we're already involved. The question is, just how involved are we?"
The look she gave Olivia was so intense, she felt her resolve crumble. The words just spilled out without her even thinking about them, "More than I should have allowed. I left that night because I knew…because I knew if I didn't right then and there, it was pretty likely that we would reach a point when I wouldn't be able to."
Casey just continued to stare at her and that made her feel incredibly exposed and she wished for nothing more than for the floor to open up and swallow her. She hated feeling vulnerable and hated it even more that the woman standing barely a foot away from her was the one who caused her to feel the way she now felt. Casey gently squeezed the hand she had been hold for the past several minutes, which Olivia had been oblivious to during her emotional torrent.
"I think that's enough for now," was all the ADA said as she pulled Olivia behind her, going in the direction of Olivia's bedroom.
She looked at the body that laid next to her. Fiery red hair fanned out on the pillow beneath her, and long, pale limbs that dangled at various angles. Casey's face had the appearance of such contentment. Olivia couldn't help but smile and think that maybe she played some small part in bringing about that look. She thought about the past several hours. It was so unlike the first time they were together.
The younger woman took her by the hand and led her into the bedroom. They sat on the edge of the bed and just looked at one another. Casey was the one who initiated physical contact this time, as she caressed Olivia's cheek. She allowed her fingers to linger around the detective's ear, before moving her hand to the back of her neck, then slowly dragging her thumb over Olivia's lips. She leaned over ever so slowly as if to ask for permission to continue. Olivia unconsciously nodded her approval, her eyes transfixed on the ADA's supple lips. The redhead closed the distance between them, and then proceeded to kiss the other woman.
That kiss was totally unlike any of their previous kisses. There was the same sense of urgency yes, but without the desperate need that accompanied them. It carried the same passion as before, but it was more tentative, more exploratory. It felt like they were just getting acquainted for the first time, and in many ways, they were.
Olivia became hyper-aware of Casey's presence. There was the lingering scent of her soap on Casey, and she thought about how different it smelled on someone else. It was almost alien but at the same time, very familiar. She felt the prosecutor's tongue struggle to make sense of its current placement. It conveyed an insecurity and confusion that she understood all to well, but drove to the back of her mind because all that mattered was living in that moment. Amid all that uncertainty, there was an inexplicable tenderness and caring. And that scared the detective more than not knowing what any of this ultimately meant.
Olivia Benson had spent her entire life feeling like an aberration because of the way she was conceived. Although she had her share of lovers over the years, being wanted or desired was never something she could ever really trust. Years of self-hatred had taught her that she wasn't worthy of being wanted, much less loved and her track record with relationships reflected that lesson all too well. And yet in that very moment, none of it seemed to matter. "Lie back Liv." Casey had whispered into her ear before she gently nipped her earlobe. Then she laid a steady stream of kisses along the detective's neck that reached down to her collar bone, from there to the strip of flesh between her breasts, down her sternum, to the flank of her stomach until she reached her ultimate destination.
The reminiscences of Casey's tongue all over her body, stirred Olivia. It was not so much the pleasure that the other woman lavished upon her, but more so the tenderness with which she gave it. It moved her in a very profound way that she wasn't able to explain. The more she dwelled on it, the more afraid she became of investing far too much of herself into.whatever this might be.
It hadn't been this way for Olivia for such a long time. Something inside her had been shaken a loose. Even with Alex, she was never quite willing to let go completely. Casey challenged her in a way Alex hadn't. She knew it that night. Casey matched her intensity. Her self-assuredness and arrogance challenged Olivia. Casey was aggressive and passionate, which lent to impetuousness and daring that you couldn't help but admire despite how much it pissed you off. Olivia embraced the harder edges that were Casey because she understood them and she could see how they balanced the optimism and innocence that was Casey too. She wasn't sure what all of this meant in the long term just yet, but she knew it was possibly the start of something really good.