Review @ JJEmilyReidFan
A/N: Sorry for the delay in chapters. It has been crazy kind of. Plus this fic requires a special mood to write as you know it requires a special mood to read as well. This chapter is how the team has reacted and how the team has seen JJ fall to pieces. Written while listening to Breathe Me by Sia. It will be a two parter. One part tonight, one part another night.
Aaron Hotchner was accustomed to the feeling of grief. It had only been a year since Haley had died when Emily was shot. He knew that the only thing keeping him together when Haley had died was the need to take care of his son so when Emily died leaving JJ alone, he knew the outcome wouldn't be good. When JJ returned to work, he saw the sorrow that filled those blue eyes. He saw the sullen look on her face, the hollowness in her stare, and how she did her job just to get the job done and how she locked herself in her office for hours at a time. He saw how the photographs in her office haunted her and many times she would come out of her office with a wet face and red eyes. He knew that JJ did not have a son or daughter to hold it together for.
Agent Hotchner was the first person to see the flirtations and the connection between JJ and Emily. In fact, he saw it before JJ even saw it. He saw how the brunette's face lit up every time JJ would walk into the office and how she never failed to get the closest seat to the blonde on the jet. When things between Haley and him had gone sour he had pulled Emily into his office.
"Prentiss, can I speak to you for a minute? In my office?" He had asked quietly while Emily sat at her desk.
"Sure thing sir," Emily said a pit in her stomach wondering what she had done wrong. She had gotten all her paper work in on time that week and wondered why the unit chief was calling her and only her into the office.
Once she had gotten into the office, Hotch asked her to be seated.
"What can I help you with sir?" Emily asked professionally still thinking she had done something.
"Please, no formalities. I actually asked you in here for a personal reason sort of Emily. Don't get angry or take this the wrong way. You need to tell her," Hotch said spitting it right out.
"I'm sorry? Tell her? Tell who what?" Emily asked completely confused.
"I see the way your face lights up when she walks into the office and the seats you take on the jet. Your body language shows that you are completely protective over her even though trust me she is capable of her job. I know the bureau policies but Prentiss, tell her. I made the mistake to screwing things up with Haley and I know Rossi would say the same thing he just doesn't have the gall to say it. You love her then tell her," Hotch said completely blowing Emily out of the water. That next day she told Jennifer Jareau that she loved her.
Hotch saw JJ fall to pieces. He also saw his team slowly fall to pieces over the grief of losing one of their own.
The unnecessary guilt that filled Morgan following Emily's death was eating away at him. Emily had been a sister to him. He had felt the fight leave her that night when she had been shot. He would never know why she hadn't fought harder to stay. Morgan knew that JJ would be angry with him; he told himself over and over again that he could've done more. Garcia had comforted him many a night after the shooting and he had been strong throughout the funeral. The feeling of JJ breaking down in his arms was a feeling he would never forget. He remembered the night Emily had come to him about JJ. He had encouraged her as well.
"Hey Derek, can we go out for drinks tonight? Talk a little?" Emily had asked him that day.
"Yeah sure thing Princess," he could use a few drinks and he could tell his friend was visibly nervous about something. If Derek Morgan knew one thing it was that Emily was never one to look nervous.
That night they had gone out to a quite bar where they could sit in a booth in the corner and drink their beers while they held a somewhat private conversation.
"So spill Princess, I've never seen you this visibly nervous. I think you've ripped your napkin into a million pieces by now," Morgan had said chuckling at the pieces of napkin scattered the table.
"Well, remember when you found out I was gay?" Emily began. He had found out inadvertently at that.
"Yeah, quite frankly I would've figured it out if I hadn't have seen you walking out of that gay bar with some sexy blonde on your arm," Morgan said chuckling. He had been shocked that night but soon realized that the signs added all up if he just listened to his gaydar.
"Ok well that sexy blonde? I can't even remember her name. Well she was and all the other blondes I've taken home, have been a substitute for the one who has my heart," Emily said spilling her guts to the man she considered her brother. Normally she didn't feel quite so romantic but as Garcia had already pointed it out, Emily was different when it came to one blonde hair, blue eyed agent. When she said this, Morgan nearly spit out his drink.
"Wait! Are we talking about who I think we are talking about Emily?" he said once he got his breath from choking on his drink.
"I'm in love with JJ. Hotch thinks I should tell her," Emily said as she stared off into the distance.
"Wait a second again princess! Hotch? He told you?" Morgan asked dumbfounded.
"He figures he screwed everything up with Haley, because of the job. He doesn't want me to feel the same unhappiness I guess. And you know how he is with JJ. He protects her whether she likes it or not. Small age difference or not JJ is like a daughter to him as much as I'm a daughter to Rossi," Emily explained.
"Tell her princess. She might take it better than you think," Morgan said with a sly smile remembering something Garcia had mentioned to him about the two agents growing friendship.
Morgan missed the woman he considered a sister and the guilt consumed him. He saw the pain that Emily's death had caused JJ. Knowing JJ was a strong confident woman didn't seem to take away what he saw in her eyes which was pure emptiness once Emily was gone. He had seen such light in those eyes once the two had gotten together.
A/N: Ok here is part two. I guess it's going to be 3 parter because I can't get Reid and then I want to wrap it all back up to JJ. So when I'm not studying or writing a paper for next week's finals, I will try to get part three posted. Thanks! Enjoy. I'm trying to make these not so sad.
Penelope Garcia had known loss in her life. At the tender age of 18 her parents had been killed in a car accident by drunk drivers. A little more than 10 years later she watched as her best friend lost the one person she loved the most in life. Emily and JJ had quickly befriended Garcia when they had each joined the BAU. When Emily joined, Garcia remembered JJ bringing her down to the tech analyst's so called "lair" to show her where the information highway began for the BAU and hoped that Emily would join in on the twosome for drinks that night.
"Garcia, this is Special Agent Emily Prentiss, our newest member of the team," JJ said with her thousand watt smile. It was there that Garcia first realized the connection between the two women who couldn't be more opposite.
"Penelope Garcia at your service Agent Prentiss. Welcome to my 'lair', these are my babies, and this is the oracle of all knowing," Garcia said blushing hoping she hadn't scared away the raven hair goddess that stood in front of her.
"THIS? This is our system at the BAU?" Emily said in shock.
"Impressed?" Garcia asked sheepishly. Normally she owned the geek inside of her but something about Emily screamed important and later she realized it was because she was the Ambassador's daughter.
"More like intrigued and intimidated. I wouldn't normally admit this about myself on my first day anywhere but I am somewhat of a geek myself. Not like this though," Emily said with a huge grin on her face. JJ would learn to love the blush that slowly crept up onto Emily cheeks. Garcia watched as JJ looked on in awe at the brunette.
Garcia knew that day that JJ was feeling something she had never felt before. She also knew if she hadn't have spoken up to JJ one day, she may have never admitted her feelings for the brunette and the two would've never admitted how much they loved each other.
"Jayje, teddy bear, I see the way you look at her," Garcia said to the distracted blonde who looked out the window of her office down to Emily who was being subjected to one of Reid's endless tandems about physics magic.
"Huh? Who?" JJ said so very distractedly.
"Emily dear. Tell her. I can see the love in your eyes. Your face lights up every time she walks into the room and you get that thousand watt smile as if your heart is melting," Garcia mentioned to JJ.
"But, Pen, what if, what if she doesn't feel the same way? You're right Garcia, I'm absolutely head over heels for her and I'm scared to death to love someone as much as I do her, let alone her," JJ admitted turning away from the window rubbing her temples. It was clear that the blonde hadn't been sleeping again.
"Baby girl, I guarantee she feels the same way. What makes you so afraid? The fact that it is Emily or that Emily is a woman?" Garcia asked knowing truly what the answer would be.
"Both. We're so different. She's so strong and stoic and beautiful. But she's the Ambassador's daughter. I've never felt this way before for a woman Garcia," JJ slowly came out and admitted her feelings.
"Embrace it. Yes, you're different as night and day but sometimes that works when there is the amount of love that there is between you too. If she comes to you first, just embrace it and tell her how you feel as well," Garcia said before walking out of the office setting the path in motion.
Garcia was broken inside that night she received the fateful phone call that Emily was being rushed to the hospital was a GSW to the abdomen. She remembered the night she had been shot and hoped that Emily would be able to hold onto the sight of Morgan and that Morgan would encourage her to hold on. She remembered how the last thing she saw before slipping into unconsciousness had been the face of her attacker and hoped Emily would be able to hold on to something to keep her holding on a little longer. Why didn't you fight harder Emily? She's completely broken, gone, she's not your Jennifer anymore. Garcia thought in her head as she felt warm tears trickle down her face as she watched from a distance the blonde agent break down at Emily's graveside. She would have many days like this, watching from a distance, some days she would embrace the blonde and let her sob herself until she fell asleep. She told herself this is what being a friend meant, catching them when they fell.
Rossi had never had children. When he had come back from the BAU, he had immediately recognized the Ambassador's daughter from previous years of assignments. Slowly but surely she became the daughter he had never had. The night she died was the night he fell apart. He had worked at the Bureau for nearly 40 years and in those 40 years he had seen a lot of pain, a lot of death, and a lot of darkness. He had slowly started to come unraveled at the seams before Emily's death but it was her being gone that broke the camel's back. Every day he would retire to his office, pour him two fingers of Scotch, and stare at the photograph of him and Emily after an intense training the BAU had attended. Everyone had their pictures, their vices, and their demons. He wished he could've done something more for Emily before she had left them. Now he could see his team fall apart piece by piece. He saw an emptiness and hollowness in JJ's eyes, he saw the guilt eat at Morgan and how it affected his relationship with Garcia, and he saw Hotch come in even earlier and leave even later. He would never understand why it had to be Emily. If anyone had potential in the team, if anyone had love and passion to keep this team alive, it was Emily. Her compartmentalization skills were next to no one and she was always able to keep the team on task when Morgan's hotheadedness got them sidetracked or someone forgot the reason they were there. He could never deny the love between Emily and JJ and was honored when Emily, who had grown up with a father who had never been there, and for all intensive purposes didn't exist, had come to him and asked him to walk her down the aisle at the wedding. It had been a slow, rainy day at the BAU, a month before the wedding was supposed to be, because both agents didn't want to wait to get married with the wake of Haley's death hanging over them.
"Come in Emily, what can I do for you?" Rossi asked curious as to why the brunette agent was wringing her hands.
"Well, it's a personal matter. You know how you have always been a father figure to me Rossi? Since you came back to the BAU? And of course, JJ looks up to you like no other, I mean you are the reason she applied…" Emily began to ramble from her nervousness when Rossi cut her off.
"Yes, I recall that. What's up?" Rossi was beginning to get worried.
"Well, my father has never been around, and really doesn't even exist in my life. I was uhm, hoping, well you see, I need someone to walk me down the aisle before JJ comes down. I know this is an untraditional wedding at the least, but I will walk down with someone, wait for her, and then she'll walk down with her father. I was, well, uhm, I was hoping you would be ok with walking me down the aisle Dave?" Emily finally spit out her question as Rossi looked at her in shock.
"You want me to be a part of your special day? Well of course, I'd be honored. Is JJ ok with this?" Rossi asked visibly honored.
"Yes, she encouraged it actually," Emily said.
That was the day Rossi remembered most fondly when he looked at those pictures as he turned to alcohol as he tried to soothe the emptiness Emily had left him with. He knew that he shouldn't feel so empty, so bad, because honestly there was one person in this team who felt much worse and he could JJ slowly falling to pieces.
Spencer Reid hadn't known great loss in his life. He had known great disappointment, rejection, and success. He had known the pain of bullying but he had never really lost someone completely. When he had started the BAU, he had immediately taken a liking to Jennifer Jareau, the media liaison and it looked as if she had taken a liking to him. She called him Spence.
"Did you know she's the only person in the whole word to call me Spence?" Reid said to Gideon one day in the bullpen.
They had tried a date and realized that their admiration for each other was strictly limited to that of a big sister and little brother. Reid had been naïve when the relationship between JJ and Emily had first begun, in fact he was the last to know and he had found out rather abruptly.
"So Emily, how's JJ in the sack?" Morgan had elbowed Emily while sitting around doing senseless paperwork. He had been joking of course, too respectful to actually ask details about their sex life. It had been done for the specific reason to make it known to Reid that the two female agents were officially a couple.
Reid had spit out his coffee.
"You and JJ? Statistically speaking…" Reid had said once he had recovered from choking on his coffee.
"Reid, please no more of your statistics. Yes I know that same sex relationships tend to last longer and be more monogamous than heterosexual relationships. Yes JJ and I have been an item since last month and you didn't have any clue?" Emily had said cutting him off rather grumpily.
After the conversation, Reid could tell that there was a difference in the woman he considered a big sister. She had more sunshine to her he thought and he had never been one for clichés. Her eyes sparkled and looked a little more blue and if he had look at Emily, she was a little quicker on her feet and faster on the comebacks with Morgan. The team never changed and if it did, they had become closer now that the two agents who were madly in love with each other were now together rather than avoiding each other. Reid and Emily grew closer because she was more attuned to his statistics and random facts of knowledge and she found herself allowing her geek side to embrace his knowledge. He soon became a little brother to her as well and Reid soon found himself attached to her just as much as he had JJ.
Reid saw the changes in JJ right away after Emily died. He wasn't so young, so naïve anymore. He had seen the evolution of their relationship as it grew, as he grew, and he could see the absolute devastation in JJ's eyes. He had never known true, great loss. Losing Emily tore a piece away from him. He had been through so much, been tortured by someone whose dogs had traumatized JJ and they had worked through it separately. As he looked back he could tell this was just another pit stop in the relationship between Emily and JJ. He knew JJ would try to fight her demons alone know that Emily was gone but Emily being gone was one of the massive demons JJ had to fight every day. Reid broke a little too inside when Emily died. JJ, at first, would sit and stare at him while he spouted off his statistics and random facts and then just one day she broke. After yelling at Reid and collapsing in tears into his arms, his heart broke. He vowed one day that he would repair the pieces of Jennifer Jareau's heart that had just fallen to pieces right in front of him.
The day Jennifer Jareau fell to pieces in front of the entire BAU, was the lowest day of her life compared to the day Emily died. She felt so empty. She was haunted every night of the empty promises Emily had left her with including the promise that she wouldn't die on her. JJ had known it was a naïve promise to make and that it would be one that would be impossible to reassure but being lost in the moment, lying in Emily's arms she had let herself believe every word Emily had ever told her.
Some nights JJ would sleep without a dream, falling exhaustedly into the bed she once shared with the brunette agent and drifting off into sleep that was just as empty as she felt. Other nights she would wake up in a fit of sweat after a nightmare, reaching for Emily, and realizing that Emily was not just gone, but was never coming back. She would spend the rest of the night curled up in a ball, wearing Emily's old Yale shirt that was slowly losing the scent of Emily, and sob. The majority of the nights were spent waking up screaming from a nightmare. These were the nights she would call Garcia in the middle of the night who was more than happy to take the phone call and rush thoughts of rainbows and kittens into the blondes head after an especially terrifying nightmare. Garcia had to remind JJ that Emily had died knowing that JJ loved her and that she hadn't died alone or scared.
Some days Jennifer Jareau beat herself up after Emily died. She thought she could've done more to help her wife out while she had been alive or that Emily had died afraid or in pain. She tried not to blame Morgan because on a good day which were few and far in between she could see just how the death of her wife was beating up her family, their team. On a good day she could Emily whispering in her ear that she loved her and that it was time to move on, pick up the pieces, and to live her life. JJ wasn't naïve and she knew that the promises they had promised each other and the vows they had taken didn't guarantee a life full of happiness or a long life together. Naïve or not, it hadn't helped the pain. Emily had a way of making JJ believe that things would be alright no matter what had happened to either agent. Some nights before Emily died, JJ would wake up and just hug her wife from behind and sob quietly from the pain of loving someone so entirely much. She knew that their fire wasn't one that could be put out by any fight and that there would have to be something so strong as death to pull them apart. But even JJ knew, even the entire team knew, that after death the fire wouldn't be put out and that one of them dying would be the end of the other one. They just never knew it would actually ever happen, to whom it would happen to, and how greatly it would affect the team.
The months following Emily's death, Garcia would occasionally spend the night at JJ's the house the two star-crossed lovers had shared. Garcia knew that JJ was falling apart slowly at the seams and that the blonde would never be the same. Some nights Garcia would sleep in the guest bedroom and through the thin walls she would hear JJ talking in her sleep, presumably to Emily, some nights JJ would wake up screaming, causing Garcia to run into the room and embracing the blonde as she sobbed herself back to sleep. The nights that the two blondes would stay up until the middle of the night talking about Emily, their future plans, and the funny escapades the three had gotten themselves in to, Garcia could see a glimpse of the JJ she had once known. The shine had disappeared from those ocean blue eyes and they were now dull and almost empty. Garcia knew that it wasn't all gone but that Emily had been the one true great love of JJ's life and that she'd never quite be the same. Garcia knew that Emily had been JJ's everything, her anchor to all that was good in the world.
The nightmares never stopped for JJ. This particular night JJ's nightmare was odd and twisted, but full of events that had actually happened that still haunted her. JJ remembered the Hankel case like it had been yesterday. Those crazed dogs snaring their teeth at her and then laying lifeless haunted her dreams even before Emily died. JJ also remembered how Emily had been the only one who had been able to cut through her daze.
"JJ, JJ, look at me," Emily had said. She had seen the scared, wild look in JJ's eyes and the blood on her arm. She hadn't told JJ her feelings yet. This look scared Emily and Emily was not one to scare easily. She loved the blonde and feared for her sanity after the dogs had attacked her.
JJ had heard Emily's voice, and just figuring out her feelings, had snapped out of the daze to look at Emily. Those brown eyes immediately shook her out of the confusion and fear she had and she had realized Emily was asking her about Reid.
Emily had wanted nothing more than to embrace the blonde, take care of her, assure her things would be ok, but for now just shaking her out of her head would have to do because Reid was missing. And then JJ had called her name in that house, after she had gone to check on her.
"Emily?" JJ asked, quietly. She wanted to muster up the courage to tell her how she felt. Jennifer Jareau was not one for compartmentalizing. She never had much qualm about expressing her feelings when she wasn't on the job. But this was a job, and Reid needed to be found, so she figured out something else to say instead.
"Yes JJ?" Emily asked with a hopeful tone of voice.
"How come none of this bothers you?" JJ had asked. This was when Emily had told her about her compartmentalizing skills.
The nightmare of the Hankel case had followed JJ even after Emily's death except instead of the dogs snaring at her, lunging at her, and latching onto her arm, she saw those brunette eyes, so full of promise and love for the blonde. She hadn't seen it before, too blind and taken off guard by the feelings she had started to feel in her heart and her stomach. This wasn't the only nightmare JJ had after Emily died. The night Garcia called combined with the conversation she had had earlier with Emily loomed over her like guilt.
"JJ, it's Pen, it's Emily. You need to get to the hospital." Those words pierced through JJ even caused panic attacks after her death.
And then that phone call, the words Emily had said to JJ that night, just stuck and echoed on in her dreams.
"Hey baby. I have a bad feeling about this case," Emily hadn't wanted to say anything but this gut feeling was just not going away.
"What kind of bad feeling?" JJ said as the same gut feeling was beginning to take residence in her stomach as she fought the urge to go throw up.
"I just, it'll be ok. I just wanted to call and say I love you Jennifer. I really love you a lot. I wouldn't want to be with anyone else the rest of my life baby ok?" Emily said as tears began to fill her eyes. She knew Morgan and her were needed out on the streets but she also knew that she fit victimology but refused to point it out. Emily had never been one to back down from a challenge or run in the event that something looked dangerous. Fear wasn't an option for Emily and it wasn't just an ego problem.
"Emily, I love you too but why are you talking like this? What's going on?" JJ asked not putting the pieces together of the case. Things had been hectic around the BAU and she hadn't been as focused as normal lately because of outside family issues.
"Nothing, look Morgan and I have to get back out there but I love you. If something happens to me, you know the plans right? You'll be ok. I love you Mrs. Prentiss," Emily had said. When they had married, Jennifer had kept her last name as her middle name and taken on Emily's last name. This had made Emily one very happy woman. But right now, JJ knew something was wrong. That night she slept fitfully until she had gotten that call.
"I love you too. Come home safe baby," JJ had said somehow knowing Emily wouldn't be returning to her.
Emily's death had caused rifts in the team but it had broken JJ. She would never be the same again. The nightmares plagued her night after night. But Garcia had hope. Garcia had hope because every time a memory of Emily popped up and every time the blonde looked at a picture of Emily, and saw those piercing warm brown highs and thousand watt smiles, just a small glimmer of hope, of shine returned to those ocean blue eyes. Garcia knew she'd never be the same. The team would never be quite the family they had been but she had hope that JJ still had a future somewhere outside the world of Emily's death.
JJ lay in bed one night on a particularly good night. It was the first good night she had in quite awhile and as she looked through case files she looked back to see how the team had changed. It was nearly 6 months after Emily had died. The nights spent crying all night, inhaling Emily's scent, and listening to Emily's music were becoming fewer and farther in between and now only happened once or twice a week at the most. JJ still missed Emily. Her blue eyes would never regain the sparkle they once had but at this very point in time she knew she had to do something to pull her team together. No one knew it but JJ and Hotch but JJ was whenever time was available seeking the assistance of a grief counselor. This particular good night, as good as they would get for awhile, JJ decided to finally listen to the advice of the counselor and begin a journal writing letters to her Emily.
To My Emily,
I don't know who I am, who I am, without you. It's been nearly 6 months since you left. Of those six months I've spent the majority of them curled in a ball sobbing because I miss you Emily. Half of those mornings are spent disappointed because I woke up. I never thought our love would be a tragic love but I love you so much even after your gone that I'm not even sure how I'm supposed to go about living. I never thought you'd be the one to leave Emily. But here I am, and you left. You left with all of my heart. I can't move on Em. I loved you with everything that I was, because now that you're gone I am nothing.
Emily, I wish you were to tell me what to do. The team is falling apart and to be honest I fell apart a long time ago. Derek blames it all on himself and now he's doing ridiculously dangerous things. First one in, last one out is what he keeps saying. It's scaring Garcia. Rossi sits in his office and drinks Scotch after cases and if a brunette happens to be the victim, we all gasp for breath. I see you everywhere Emily. And it only makes me miss you more. I am functioning, but if it weren't for this team, I'm not sure what I would be. If this team falls apart, my love, I just don't know what else to do. Hotch sees it too. I'm trying so hard to pull it together because maybe, just maybe, if I show some strength, I can save this team.
Emily, I love you and always will. You were my wife, my lover, and my best friend. I will save this team if not for me but for your memory.
My Emily, I miss you.
With all of my heart,
By the time JJ was done writing she knew she needed to get with Garcia and concoct a plan to save their team. Emily's death had crushed her. Her blue eyes may never shine again but her family, what was left of her family was not going to disappear too like her Emily had.
While JJ had a newfound sense of strength, it would take awhile for the team to pull itself back together. JJ would never be the same without her Emily. But the team would not fall apart if it were up to her.
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