1x4 - Teacher's Pet
Teacher's Pet
Written by: David
Greenwalt
Directed by: Bruce
Seth Green
Transcribed by:
AleXander Thompson
Copyright © 1997 Alexander Thompson
~~~~~~~~~~ Prologue ~~~~~~~~~~
In every generation there is a Chosen One. She alone
will stand against the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. She is
the Slayer.
The Bronze. A girl is screaming. A vampire is
advancing on Buffy as she backs into a pole. She throws a solid right to his
face followed by a left. The vampire isn't fazed, and he grabs her and throws
her onto a pool table. He leans over her to bite. Xander comes up behind the vampire,
grabs him by the shoulders and pulls him off of Buffy.
Xander: May I
cut in?
He bashes the vampire's head into the pool table,
turns him around and punches him in the gut and the face. The vampire falls to
the floor, unconscious. Buffy is impressed and gives him a big smile. Xander
offers her his hand to help her off of the pool table.
Xander: You
alright?
Buffy: (exhales)
Thanks to you!
She slides off of the table and notices Xander's hand.
Buffy: You hurt
your hand! Will you still be able to...
Xander: ...finish
my solo and kiss you like you've never been kissed before?
He gives her a wink and starts back to the stage. The
vampire gets back up and growls at Buffy. Xander sees him, breaks the leg off
of a chair that's been knocked over and throws the makeshift stake at the
vampire. Buffy watches the stake fly into the vampire's chest, and he falls
dead. She turns her gaze back on Xander. He jumps up onto stage and grabs his guitar
to continue his solo. Buffy looks up at him adoringly and advances to the stage
as he plays.
Buffy: You're
drooling.
Xander gives her a confused look.
Cut to science class. It's dark because Dr. Gregory is
giving a slide show.
Buffy: Xander!
He wakes up from his daydream and shakes his head. Buffy
indicates the corner of her mouth.
Buffy: You've
got a little...
He picks up on her gesture and quickly wipes the drool
off of his mouth and chin.
Dr. Gregory: Their
ancestors were here long before we were. Their progeny will be here long after
we are gone. The simple and ubiquitous ant.
He turns off the projector, turns the lights on and
begins walking up the aisle.
Dr. Gregory: Now.
If you read the homework you should know the two ways that ants communicate.
He stops at Xander's lab table and leans on it to face
Buffy.
Dr. Gregory: Miss
Summers.
Buffy: (on the
spot) Ways that ants communicate.
Dr. Gregory: (nodding
his head) Mm.
Buffy: With
other ants.
Dr. Gregory: From
the homework.
Behind him
Dr. Gregory: Ants
are communicating...
Buffy: (sees
Buffy: Touch...
Dr. Gregory: (nodding)
Mm-hmm.
Buffy: And, um...
She looks at
Buffy: (confused)
B.O.?
Several students laugh.
Blayne: Thank
God someone finally found the courage to mention that!
Dr. Gregory: That
would be 'touch' and 'smell', Miss Summers. Is there anything else Miss
Rosenberg would like to tell you?
Dr. Gregory: Alright,
chapters six through eight by tomorrow, people. (stops and looks back at Buffy)
Can I see you for a moment?
Buffy nods. Cut to after the other students have left
the room. Buffy leans against a lab table. Dr. Gregory idly reviews his slides.
Dr. Gregory: I
gather you had a few problems at your last school?
Buffy: Well,
what teenager doesn't?
Dr. Gregory: Cut
school, get in fights, burn down the gymnasium... Principal Flutie showed me
your permanent record.
He walks to the front of the class, and Buffy follows
him.
Buffy: Well,
that fire, I mean, there was major extenuating circumstances. Actually, it's,
uh, kinda funny!
Dr. Gregory: Can't
wait to see what you're gonna do *here*.
He goes to the closet, gets his other glasses from his
coat and cleans them.
Buffy: Destructo
Girl. That's me.
Dr. Gregory: But
I suspect it's gonna be great.
Buffy: You
mean, 'great' in a bad way?
Dr. Gregory: (looks
at her, then back at his glasses) You have a first-rate mind and you can think
on your feet. Imagine what you could accomplish if you actually did the...
Buffy: ...the
homework thing.
Dr. Gregory: The
homework thing. I understand you probably have a good excuse for not doing it.
(closes the closet and walks back to his lab
table) Amazingly enough, I don't care. I know you can
excel in this class, and so I expect no less. Is that clear?
Buffy: Yeah! Sorry.
Dr. Gregory: Don't
be sorry, be smart. (looks at another slide) And please don't listen to the
principal or anyone else's negative opinion about you. Let's make 'em eat that
permanent record. Whadaya say?
He looks up at Buffy and gives her a little smile. She
smiles back.
Buffy: Okay! Thanks.
He nods his head. She grabs her bag.
Dr. Gregory: Chapters
six through eight!
Buffy looks back at him with a smile and leaves the
classroom. Dr. Gregory puts the slide down, goes over to turn off the lights and
comes back to his slide-viewing plate. While he concentrates on the slides, the
closet door opens. Cut to a view of Dr. Gregory from the closet. The camera
advances on him. Cut in front of him. He's concentrating on the slides. Cut
behind him. A large, green mantis claw goes around his neck. Dr. Gregory looks
up behind him and screams. The claw drags him off of his chair. His glasses hit
the floor and break, and an instant later so does he.
Opening credits roll. Buffy's theme plays.
~~~~~~~~~~ Part 1 ~~~~~~~~~~
The Bronze. The live band is Superfine, playing "Already
Met You". Xander dances lamely through the crowd.
Lyrics: The
first date's the worst date / It's hard to know just what to do / And I take
you to dinner / You don't eat, you just play with your food
Xander is on the dance floor and looks around. He
makes his way to the stage and gives the singer an acknowledging nod and grin.
Lyrics: And
there's something familiar...
The singer gives him a "get outta here" look.
Lyrics: About
every word you say
Xander is disappointed and moves away from the stage.
Lyrics: It's
hard to believe it's happened again / I already met you / And I already met you
/ You're like my last girlfriend / Yes, and the girlfriend I had before her
Xander goes over to the bar where Blayne and his
friend are sitting.
Blayne: Seven,
including Cheryl. I'll tell you, though, her sister was lookin' to make it
eight!
Boy: Ooo,
Cheryl's sister? The one in college?
Blayne: (nods) Home
for the holidays and lookin' for love! She's not my type, though. Girls really
gotta have something to go with me.
Xander: (interrupting)
Something like a lobotomy?
The two boys look at him.
Blayne: Xander.
How many times you score?
Xander: Well,
uh...
Blayne: It's
just a question.
Xander: Are we
talking today, or the whole week?
The two boys snicker. Xander spots Buffy and
stairs.
Xander: Ooo! Duty
calls!
He leaves the bar and approaches the girls as Blayne
and his friend watch.
Xander: Babes!
The girls look back at him. He comes up to them with
his arms wide open and grabs them both around the shoulders.
Buffy: What are
you doing?
Xander: (to
Buffy) Work with me here. Blayne had the nerve to question my manliness. I'm
just gonna give him a visual.
Xander looks back at Blayne, gives him a thumbs up and
puts his arm back around
Buffy: (distracted)
I don't believe it.
Xander: I know,
and after all my conquests.
Buffy sees Angel and goes over to him.
Xander: Who's
that?
Xander: That
weird guy that warned her about all the vampires?
Xander: Well,
he's buff! She never said anything about him being buff!
Xander: He's a
very attractive man! How come *that* never came up?
Cut to Angel. Buffy comes up to him.
Buffy: Well! Look
who's here!
Angel: Hi.
Buffy: I'd say
it's nice to see you, but then we both know that's a big fib.
Angel: I won't
be long.
Buffy: No,
you'll just give me a cryptic warning about some exciting new catastrophe, and
then disappear into the night. Right?
Angel: You're
cold.
Buffy: You can
take it.
Angel: (takes
off his jacket) I mean, you look cold.
He puts his jacket around her shoulders. Cut to Willow
and Xander.
Xander: Oh,
right! Give her your jacket. It's a balmy night, no one needs to be trading
clothing out there!
Cut to Buffy and Angel.
Buffy: A little
big on me. (notices a series of cuts on Angel's arm)
What happened?
Angel: I didn't
pay attention.
Buffy: To
somebody with a big fork?
Angel: He's
coming.
Buffy: The Fork
Guy?
Angel: Don't
let him corner you. Don't give him a moment's mercy. He'll rip your throat out.
Buffy: Okay,
I'll give you improved marks for that one. Ripping a throat out, it's a strong
visual, it's not cryptic!
Angel: I have
to go. (leaves)
Buffy: (stares
after him) Sweet dreams to you, too.
Cut to Sunnydale High the next morning. Buffy and
Giles are walking along in front of the school. Giles is eating an apple.
Giles: That's
all he said? Fork Guy?
Buffy: That's
all Cryptic Guy said: Fork Guy.
Giles: I think
there are too many 'guys' in your life. (laughs)
They meet
Giles: I'll see
what I can find out. (looks up at the sky) God, every day here is the same.
Buffy: Bright,
sunny, beautiful, how ever can we escape this torment?
her.
Giles: Really.
Xander comes up behind Giles as he turns to leave.
Giles: Good
morning.
Xander: Mornin'.
(to the girls) Guess what I just heard in the office? No Dr. Gregory today. Ergo,
those of us who blew off our science homework aren't as dumb as we look.
He reaches down and flips
Buffy: What
happened, is he sick?
Xander: They
didn't say anything about sick, something about missing.
Buffy: He's
missing?
Xander: Well,
let me think. Um, the cheerleaders were modeling their new short skirts, that
kinda got... Yeah! Yeah, they said missing.
Xander: Which
is bad?
Buffy: If
something's wrong, yeah!
Xander: I'm
really sorry, I'm sure he'll...
He looks up and sees Miss Natalie French walking
toward them.
Xander: I, uh,
huh...
The girls look to see what's distracting him.
Xander: Uh, huh...
huh...
Cut to a slow motion shot of Natalie walking. She
comes right up to Xander, who just stares at her.
Natalie: Could
you help me?
Xander: Uuuuuuhhhhhh...
Yes!
Natalie: I'm
looking for Science... 109.
Xander: Oh! It's,
um...
He looks around himself, trying to remember the way. He
turns back to Natalie.
Xander: (smiles)
I go there every day!
Natalie laughs.
Xander: (looks
to the girls for help) Oh, God, where is it?
Blayne: Hi! Blayne
Mall. I'm going there right now. It's not far from the varsity field where I
took All-City last year. (smiles smugly)
Natalie: Oh! Thank
you, Blayne!
She and Blayne leave. Xander's gaze follows them for a
moment, and then he turns back to
Xander: It's
funny how the Earth never opens up and swallows you when
you want it to.
The girls nod their heads and give each other a smile.
Cut to science class. Natalie is writing her name on
the board. Buffy,
Buffy: Dr. Gregory
dropped his glasses... Why wouldn't he pick them up?
She sets the glasses on the lab table and gives
Natalie a glance as she walks to her stool. Natalie faces the class.
Natalie: My
name is Natalie French, and I will be substituting for Dr. Gregory.
Buffy: Do you
know when he's coming back?
Natalie: No, I
don't, um, (checks her roster) Buffy. They just call and tell me where they
want me.
Blayne: (in a
low voice) I'll tell you where I want you.
Natalie: Excuse
me, Blayne?
Blayne: Uh, I
was just wondering if you were gonna pick up where Dr. Gregory left off.
Natalie: (smiles)
Yes. His notes tell me you were right in the middle of insect life.
She picks up a mantis mounted in a clear plastic box.
Natalie: The
praying mantis is a fascinating creature. Forced to live alone. Who can tell me
why? Buffy?
She puts the mantis back down.
Buffy: Well,
the words 'bug-ugly' kinda spring to mind.
There's lots of muffled laughter.
Natalie: There
is nothing ugly about these unique creatures. The reason they live alone is
because they're cannibals!
Buffy: Eww!
Everyone in class looks disgusted.
Natalie: Oh,
well, it's hardly their fault! It's the way nature designed them: noble,
solitary and prolific. Over 1800 species worldwide, and in nearly all of them
the female is larger *and* more aggressive than the male.
Blayne: (aside
to Buffy) Nothing wrong with an aggressive female.
Buffy angles her head and gives him a look. Natalie
picks up her
notebook and starts to walk around the room.
Natalie: The
California Mantis lays her eggs, and then finds a mate...
She looks at Xander. He stares back.
Natalie: ...to
fertilize them. Once he's played his part, she covers the eggs in a protective
sack and attaches it to a leaf or twig out of danger. Now, if she's done her
job correctly, in a few months she'll have several hundred offspring.
She has made her way back to the front of the class
and puts down her notebook.
Natalie: You
know, we should make some model egg sacks for the science fair. Who would like
to help me do that after school?
All the boys raise their hands.
Natalie: (pleased)
Good!
Cut to the cafeteria. Buffy,
Buffy: Hot dog
surprise. Be still, my heart.
Xander: I
wonder what she sees in me? It's probably the quiet good looks coupled with a
certain smoky magnetism.
Xander: Miss
French. You two're probably a little young to understand what an older woman
would see in a younger man.
Buffy: Oh, I
understand.
Xander: Good!
Buffy: The
younger man is too dumb to wonder why an older woman can't find someone her own
age, and too desperate to care about the surgical improvements!
Xander: (taken
aback) What surgical improvements?
Buffy: And so
terribly innocent!
Xander: Hey,
those that can, do. Those that can't *laugh* at those
who... can do.
Blayne comes up next to Xander, getting lots of food.
Blayne: Gotta
carb up for my one-on-one with Miss French today. When's yours? Oh, right,
tomorrow. You came in second, I came in first. Guess that's what they call
natural selection. (leaves)
Xander: Guess
it's what they call a rehearsal! (to the girls) Rehearsal... (laughs lamely)
The girls smile. Buffy goes over to get some utensils.
As she walks back Cordelia comes in through the exit and bumps into her.
Cordelia: (to
Buffy) Excuse you!
She goes behind the counter, showing a piece of paper
to the cafeteria workers.
Cordelia: Medically
prescribed lunch. My doctor ships it daily... I'll only be here as long as I
can hold my breath.
She opens a refrigerator and screams. Inside is a
headless body. Buffy and
Cordelia: (hysterically)
His head! His head! Oh, my God, where's his
head?!
Buffy and
Xander is close behind and has to look away when he
sees.
squeamish. The name on the body's lab coat is "Dr.
Gregory".
Cut to the library. Giles pours a glass of water. He
brings it over to
Buffy, who is sitting on the steps with
sad looks on their faces. Buffy has been crying.
Giles: (hands
the glass to Buffy) Here. Drink this.
Buffy: (idly
takes the glass) No, thank you. (takes a sip)
Xander: (behind
Giles) I've never seen...
Giles looks back at Xander.
Xander: (shaken)
I mean, I've never seen anything like... That was new.
Giles: Uh, he
didn't have any enemies on the staff that I'm aware of.
He was a civilized man. I liked him.
Buffy: So did I.
We'll find them and we'll stop them.
Buffy: Count on
it.
Giles: What do
we know?
Buffy: Oh, not
a lot, um... (sniffs and wipes a tear from her nose) He
was killed here on campus. I'm guessing the last day
we saw him.
Giles: How do
you work that out?
Buffy: He
didn't change his clothing.
Xander: This is
a question that no one particularly wants to hear,
but... where did they put his head?
Buffy: Angel! (gets
up) He warned me that something was coming.
She takes another sip of water as she walks over to
the table.
Giles: Yes. Yes
he did, didn't he? I wish I knew what he meant. I've
been trying to gather more information about the
Master, our, uh, local
vampire king. There was one oblique reference to a, a,
a vampire who
displeased the Master and cut his hand off in penance.
Buffy: Cut off
his hand and replaced it with a fork?
Giles: I don't
know what he replaced it with.
Xander: So, why
would he come after a teacher?
Giles: I'm not
certain he did. There was an incident two nights ago...
He walks over to the counter, picks up a newspaper and
returns with it.
Giles: ...uh,
involving a homeless person in
practically shredded, but, uh, nothing like Dr. Gregory.
Buffy: (looks
at the paper) Fork Guy doesn't do heads.
Giles: Not
historically.
Buffy: And Dr. Gregory's
blood wasn't drained.
Xander: So
there's something else out there? Besides Silverwareman? Oh,
this is fun, we're on
Buffy: We're on
a Hellmouth. It's a center of mystical convergence.
Guess it's the same thing. (walks toward Xander)
Giles: Well,
unpleasant things do gravitate here, it's true, but, uh,
we don't know there's anything besides this chap. He's
still our likely
suspect.
Buffy: Where
was that guy killed? Weatherly Park?
Giles: Buffy. (advances
toward her) I know you're upset, but, uh, this
is no time to go hunting, not until we know more. Please
promise me you
won't do anything rash?
Buffy: Cross my
heart.
Cut to the park at night. Buffy climbs the fence. She
walks through the
park, carefully looking around. A bum comes up to her,
startling her.
Bum: Shouldn't
be out here at night, little lady. Dangerous.
The bum leaves. She notices another bum on the ground
in front of a
bench, and she checks him out. He's okay, just asleep.
Buffy continues
stalking. Dogs bark in the distance. Buffy finds some
shrubbery covering
a sewer access hole. She moves it aside, and Fork Guy
jumps out at her.
She rushes backward. He swings with his claw, but
misses. She slams her
straight arm into his gut, then again into his back. He
swings again,
but Buffy dodges him. She backhand punches him in the
face, does a
roundhouse kick to his jaw and backhand punches his
face again. He takes
another swing at Buffy, but she evades it. She front
kicks him. He
lunges at her, and she grabs his arm and flips him
over onto his back.
Buffy tries to stake him, but he rolls away and back onto
his feet. She
kicks him again, and he staggers backward and falls. Buffy
hears voices
and turns to see people with flashlights coming over
the hill.
Voices: Hold it!
Police! Did you see that? I got nothing here!
Buffy looks back and forth between Fork Guy and the
posse. The vampire
runs off.
Voices: I heard
it. Spread out. Let's go over here. This way, this way.
Alright...
Buffy makes tracks after the vampire.
Cut to the fence at the edge of the park. Natalie is
walking home on the
other side with grocery bags in her arms. The vampire
stalks her and
climbs over the fence. Buffy comes running up. The
vampire lands behind
Natalie. Buffy reaches the fence and watches. Natalie
senses the
vampire, stops and turns to face him. Fork Guy hisses
and runs away in
fear. Natalie watches him go. Buffy can't believe what
she's seeing. The
vampire crosses the street, lifts a manhole cover and
climbs down.
Natalie continues her walk home. Fork Guy pulls the
manhole cover back
into place. Buffy came only stare after Natalie, her
mouth agape.
~~~~~~~~~~ Part 2 ~~~~~~~~~~
Sunnydale High, the next morning. Cut to the library.
Giles: You went
hunting last night.
Buffy: Yes.
He walks into his office. She follows behind him.
Giles: When you
assured me you wouldn't. (takes a sip from his mug)
Buffy: Yes, I
lied, I'm a bad person, let's move on.
Giles: (opens
his file cabinet) Did you see someone with a fork?
Buffy: More
like a jumbo claw.
Giles: (turns
to face her) Oh. Well, uh, at least you're not hurt.
Buffy: And I
saw something else. Something much more interesting than
your average run-of-the-mill killer vampire.
Giles: Oh?
Buffy: Do you
know Miss French, the teacher that's subbing for Dr.
Gregory?
Giles: (smiles)
Yes. Yes, she's lovely. In a, a common, extremely well
proportioned way. (puts some files away)
Buffy: Well,
I'm chasing Claw Guy last night, and Miss Well
Proportioned is heading home. The Claw Guy takes one
look at her and
runs screaming for cover.
Giles: (confused)
He what? Ran away?
Buffy: He was
petrified.
Giles: Of Miss
French?
Buffy: Uh-huh! So
I'm an undead monster that can shave with my hand...
How many things am I afraid of?
Giles: Not many.
And not substitute teachers, as a rule.
Buffy: So
what's her deal?
Giles: I think
perhaps it would be a good idea if we kept an eye on
her.
Buffy: Then I
better get to class.
She leaves the office.
Cut to Buffy rushing down the stairs in the halls. She
is stopped by
Principal Flutie.
Mr. Flutie: You
were there. You saw Dr. Gregory, didn't you?
Buffy: Um, you
mean yesterday in the cafeteria when we found him...
Mr. Flutie: Don't
say dead! Or decapitated, or decomposing, I'd stay
away from D-words altogether. But you witnessed the
event, so this way,
please. (starts down the hall)
Buffy: (stops
him short) Well, no, I'm gonna be late for biology...
Mr. Flutie: Extremely
late! (starts down the hall again) You have to
see a counselor. Everyone who saw the body has to see
a crisis
counselor.
Buffy: But I
really don't need...
Mr. Flutie: We
all need help with our feelings. Otherwise we bottle
them up, and before you know it, powerful laxatives
are involved. I
really believe if we all reach out to one another we
can beat this
thing. I'm always here if you need a hug, (jumps back)
but not a real
hug! Because there's no touching, this school is
sensitive to wrong
touching.
Buffy: But, I
really, really don't...
Mr. Flutie: No,
you have to talk to a counselor and start the healing.
You have to heal.
Buffy: But Mr. Flutie,
I...
Mr. Flutie: Heal!
He sits her down in a chair outside of the counselor's
office and paces
off. Buffy leans back in the chair and looks bummed. Then
she hears
Cordelia inside the office.
Cordelia: I
don't know what to say, it was really, I mean, one minute
you're in your normal life, and then who's in the
fridge? (the camera
pans over to show her inside) It really gets to you, a
thing like that.
(cut inside) It was... let's just say I haven't been
able to eat a thing
since yesterday. I think I lost, like, seven and a half
ounces? Way
swifter than that so-called diet that quack put me on.
Oh, I'm not
saying that we should kill a teacher every day just so
I can lose
weight, I'm just saying when tragedy strikes, we have
to look on the
bright side. You know?
Cut to Buffy. What she's hearing is just too weird.
Cordelia: Like,
how even used Mercedes still have leather seats!
Cut to science class. Natalie is giving a pop quiz,
and is walking along
the aisle.
Natalie: Keep
your eyes straight ahead on your own test.
She comes up behind Xander.
Natalie: (in a
low voice) I think you meant 'pollination' for number
fourteen. (puts her hand on his shoulder) I'll see you
here after
school.
Cut to the hall. Buffy comes running to class and
looks in through the
door window.
Buffy: Oh,
great, a pop quiz.
Cut inside. Natalie suddenly straightens up. Buffy
looks in. She sees
Natalie turn her head around 180 degrees. Her eyes go
wide with
amazement. She quickly rolls away from the window.
Cut to the library. Buffy and
Buffy: No, I'm
not saying she craned her neck. We are talking full-on
Exorcist twist.
Buffy: Which
reminds me, how come Blayne, who worked with her one-on-
one yesterday, isn't here today?
Buffy: (to
Giles) Any luck?
Giles: Um, I've
not found any creature as yet that strikes terror in a
vampire's heart.
Buffy: Try
looking under things that can turn their heads all the way
around.
Giles: Nothing
human can do that.
Buffy: No,
nothing human. There are some insects that can. Whatever she
is, I'm gonna be ready for her.
She turns and hops up the stairs to the stacks. Giles
takes off his
glasses.
Giles: What are
you going to do?
Buffy: (turns
back to answer) My homework.
She continues up into the stacks.
then continues her search. Buffy comes running back.
Buffy: Where
are the books on bugs?
Cut to the science classroom. Natalie is at the desk
spreading butter on
a slice of bread. She's about to open a plastic
container when she hears
Xander come in and looks up.
Xander: Hi!
Natalie: Oh, Hi! I was just
grabbing a snack. Can I fix you something?
Xander: No
thanks, I never... eat when I'm making egg sacks. (sees the
model) Wow, if this were real the bugs would be...
Natalie: ...as
big as you!
Xander: Yeah! So!
Where do we start?
Natalie: Oh,
Xander! (gets up) I've done something really stupid. I
hope you can forgive me.
Xander: Oh,
forgiveness is my middle name! Well, actually it's LaVelle,
and I'd appreciate it if you guard that secret with
your life. (laughs)
Natalie: (laughs)
I have a teacher's conference in half an hour, and I
left the paint and papier-mâché at home. I don't
suppose you'd like to
come to my place tonight to work on it there?
Xander: (swallows)
Come to, uh... your place?
He flashes to his guitar solo for a moment.
Natalie:
Xander can't believe his luck.
Natalie: (hands
him her address) I'll see you tonight?
Xander: (in a
high, squeaky voice) Yeah!
Cut to the hall. Xander comes out of the classroom.
Xander: (pumping
his fists into the air) Ooo, yes!
Cut inside the classroom. Natalie opens the container
now. It's full of
crickets. She dumps them onto the buttered bread and
folds the slice in
half. She takes a bite. Crunchy!
Cut to the library. Buffy comes out of the stacks with
a book.
Buffy: Dig this:
'The praying mantis can rotate its head 180 degrees
while waiting for its next meal to walk by.' (slams
the book shut) Ha!
(silence) Well, c'mon, guys. Ha!
Giles: And she
is, by and large, woman shaped.
Buffy: (makes
her way down to them) Okay. Factoid 1: Only the praying
mantis can rotate its head like that. Factoid 2: A
pretty whacked-out
vampire is scared to death of her. Factoid 3: Her
fashion sense screams
predator.
Buffy: Exactly.
Giles: If
you're right, then she'd have to be a shape shifter or a
perception distorter. On a helpful note, I had a chum
at
Carlyle, advanced degrees in entomology mythology.
Buffy: Entoma-who?
Giles: Bugs and
fairy tales.
Buffy: I knew
that.
Giles: If I
recall correctly, poor old Carlyle, just before he went
mad, claimed there was some beast...
never came home last night.
Giles: The boy
who worked with Miss French yesterday?
be helping her right now! He's got a crush on a giant
insect!
Buffy: Okay,
don't panic, I'll warn him. But I need you to hack onto
the coroner's office for me.
Buffy: Autopsy
on Dr. Gregory. I've been trying to figures out these
marks that I saw on his corpse... I'm thinking they
were teeth. And, uh,
these cuddlies? (points to a picture of a mantis) Should
definitely be
brushing after every meal. (
something about a beast?
Giles: (gets up
to go to his office) Oh, uh, yeah, I just need to make
one transatlantic telephone call. (stops and turns
back) Um, this
computer invasion that
one assumes it is entirely legal?
Buffy: Of
course!
Giles: Right. Wasn't
here, didn't see it, couldn't have stopped you.
Buffy: Good
idea.
Cut outside. Buffy catches up with Xander.
Buffy: Hey!
Xander: Hey!
Buffy: So,
how'd it go with Miss French?
Xander: Well,
it's a bit demanding being her absolute favorite guy in
the universe, but I'll muddle through.
Buffy: Xander,
she's not what she seems.
Xander: I know,
she's so much more.
Buffy: Okay, um...
I'm gonna have to tell you something about her, and
I'm gonna need you to really listen, okay?
Xander: Okay.
Buffy: I don't
think she's human.
Xander: I see. So
if she's not human she's...?
Buffy: Technically?
A big bug.
Xander laughs.
Buffy: This
sounds really weird, I'm aware of that...
Xander: It
doesn't sound weird at all, I completely understand. I've
met someone, and you're jealous.
Buffy: What?
Xander: Look,
there's nothing I can do about it. Uh, there's just this
certain chemical thing between Miss French and me.
Buffy: I know,
I read all about it, it's call, um, a pheromone. It's a
chemical attractant that insects give off.
Xander: She's
not an insect! She's a woman, okay? And hard as that may
be for you to conceive, an actual woman finds me
attractive. I realize
it's no mystery guy handing out leather jackets, and
while we're on the
subject, what kind of a girlie name is 'Angel' anyway?
Buffy: What
does that have to do with...
Xander: Nothing!
It just kinda bugs me. Look, I really gotta...
He walks off. Buffy turns and watches him go.
Buffy: Wha...?
Cut to Natalie's house that night. She pours two
martinis. Her dress
shows lots of cleavage. The doorbell rings. She smiles
and goes to open
it.
Natalie: Hi! Come
on in!
Xander stares at her cleavage as he comes in.
Natalie: Should
I change? Is, is this too... (she closes the door)
Xander: No, no,
it's, the most beautiful chest... dress I've ever seen.
She smiles and goes back into the living room. Xander
follows.
Natalie: Thank
you. That's sweet. Martini? (offers him one) Oh, I'm
sorry, would you like something else?
Xander quickly accepts the drink.
Natalie: (laughs)
I just need to relax a little, I'm kinda nervous
around you. (she sits down) You're probably cool as a
cucumber!
Xander: (sits
down) I like cucumbers. Like in that Greek salad thing
with the yogurt. Do you like Greek food? I'm exempting
Schwarma, of
course, I mean, what's that all about? It's a big meat
hive.
They laugh, he nervously, she playfully. Xander gulps
the martini.
Xander: Hhhhhhho!
Hello!
Natalie: Cheers!
(clinks their glasses) Can I ask you a personal
question?
She puts her glass down and gets closer to Xander.
Natalie: Have
you ever been with a woman before?
Xander: You
mean, like, in, uh, the same room?
Natalie: You
know what I mean.
Xander: Oh,
that, uh... Well, let me think. Um...
Natalie runs her fingers though his hair and around
his ear.
Xander: Yeah,
there was, uh... several!
She continues her stroke down to Xander's chin.
Xander: I mean,
and, uh, quite a few times... And then there was, uh...
Oh, she was incredibly... No. Uh-uh.
Natalie: I know.
I can tell.
Xander: You
can?
Natalie: Oh, I
like it. You might say, I... *need* it.
Xander: Oh! Well,
needs should, uh, y'know... Needs should definitely
be met, as long as it doesn't require ointments the
next day, or...
Muffled yelling can be heard from somewhere.
Xander: Do you
hear...
Natalie: No...
Xander: Sounds
like someone crying...
Natalie: I
don't hear anything. (takes his hand) Your hands are so hot!
Xander flashes to his dream.
Buffy: Oh, you
hurt your hand!
Xander comes back. The drink is beginning to affect
him. He leans back
on the couch.
Xander: Buffy. I
love Buffy. Wow! So that's a martini, huh?
Natalie: Mm-hmm.
Xander: (sits
back up) Do you hear...
Natalie: (interrupting)
Would you like to touch me with those hands?
Xander: (looks
at Natalie's hands) Your hands are sss... really... (her
hands morph) serrated! Oh, wow, that martini, I... I
really think I have
to...
Xander falls to the floor unconscious. Two mantis
claws drag him away by
his feet.
~~~~~~~~~~ Part 3 ~~~~~~~~~~
Natalie's basement. The camera pans down from the
window above the
stairs to Xander. He's lying unconscious in a cage. There
are squishing
noises. Xander wakes up, looks around, grabs the bars
and pulls himself
up. He sees Natalie as a giant mantis preparing her
nest.
Xander: Miss...
French?
Natalie: Please,
call me Natalie.
Xander backs away into the cage.
Cut to the library. Giles is on the phone.
Giles: Frankly,
madam, I haven't the faintest idea what time it is, nor
do I care. Now, unlock his cell, unstrap him, and
bring him to the
telephone immediately. This is a matter of life and
death!
Cut to Willow typing.
pictures.
Buffy: There *are*
teeth marks. Which match perfectly the one insect
that nips off its prey's head.
Buffy: Huh! It's
the way they feed, head first. It's also the way they
mate. The female bites off the male's head while
they're...
find his eyes, and his hair, and his adorable smile...
Buffy: Hey,
hey, take it easy,
danger. I saw him leave school. He's probably safe at
home right now.
Cut to Natalie's basement. Xander backs up in his cage
and is surprised
by Blayne when he reaches the far corner.
Xander: Ah! Blayne!
Blayne: (terrified)
Oh, God! Oh, God!
Xander: Are you
all right?
Blayne: Oh, God!
(breathes) You gotta get me outta here! You gotta!
She, she, she gets you, and, uh...
Xander: What?
Blayne: ...she,
she...
Xander: What does
she do?
Blayne: Oh, God!
Oh, oh, no!
Xander: Blayne!
What does she do?
Blayne: She,
she... she, she takes you outta the cage, and she ties you
up, and, and... she... she starts movin', and
throbbin', and these eggs
come shootin' out of her! And then...
Xander: What?
Blayne: And
then...
Xander: Then
what?
Blayne: She
mates with you!
Xander: Sheeee...
Blayne: That's
not the worst part!
Xander: That's
not?
Blayne: You
seen her teeth? Right while she's, you know, right in the
middle of... I saw her do it! I don't wanna die like
that!
Xander: Blayne!
Blayne! Chill! It's okay. It's gonna be okay. We'll get
outta this.
Blayne: (hopeful)
You gotta plan? What is it?
Xander: Just,
uh, let me perfect it!
Blayne: (gives
up hope) Oh, God... Oh, God... Oh, God...
Cut to the library. Giles is talking with Carlyle on
the phone in his
office.
Giles: I-I
understand, Carlyle. Yes... I-I'll take every precaution.
Uh, absolutely, i-i-it sounds exactly like the
creature you described.
Y-you were right all along about everything. Well, n-no,
you weren't
right about your mother coming back as a Pekinese, but...
uh... Try to
rest, old man. Yes... Ta! Bye now!
He hangs up and comes out of his office.
Giles: Dr. Ferris
Carlyle spent years transcribing a lost pre-Germanic
language. What he discovered he kept to himself until
several teenage
boys were murdered in the Cotswolds. Then he went
hunting for it.
Buffy: It being...
Giles: Uh, he
calls her a She-Mantis. This type of creature, the
Kleptes-Virgo, or, or virgin-thief, appears in, in
many cultures. The
Greek sirens, the Celtic sea maidens, who, who tore
the living flesh
from the bones of, um...
Buffy: Giles,
while we're young!
Giles: Uh,
well, basically the, uh, the She-Mantis assumes the form of
a beautiful woman and then lures innocent virgins back
to her nest.
Buffy: Virgins?
Well, Xander's not a, uh... I mean, he's probably...
Buffy: Okay,
okay, (walks around Giles) so this thing is breeding and
we need to find it and snuff it. (faces Giles) Any
tips on the snuffing
part?
Giles: Uh,
Carlyle recommends cleaving all body parts with a sharp
blade.
Xander's mom.
Buffy: Slice
and Dice.
Giles: Well,
whatever you do, it had better be certain and swift. This
beast is extremely dangerous.
Buffy: Well,
your buddy Carlyle faced it, and he's still around.
Giles: Yes, in
a straitjacket, howling his innards out day and night.
Buffy: Okay,
Admiral, way to inspire the troops!
Giles: Sorry...
going to his teacher's house to work on a science
project. He didn't
tell her where.
Buffy: (to
rolls. (to Giles) And you need to record bat sonar,
and fast!
Giles: Bat
sonar, right. What?
Buffy: Bats eat
them. (leads Giles to the stairs) The mantis hears
sonar, its entire nervous system goes kaplooey.
Giles: Where am
I gonna find the...
Buffy: In the
vid library? There're no books, but it's dark and musty,
you'll feel right at home, go! (exhales) (to herself) I
guess I'll
handle the armory.
Cut to Natalie's basement. Xander and Blayne are in
their cages. Xander
is working on one of the bars.
Blayne: Don't
do anything to make her mad!
Xander pulls the bar out.
Blayne: (brightens)
Hey, alright, now I can get outta my cage! (bummed)
Into yours. What'd you do that for?
Xander: A
weapon!
Blayne: (sees
Natalie coming) I think you're gonna need it.
Xander looks up and is startled. He drops the bar.
Cut to the library. Miss French's record is coming out
of the printer.
Buffy comes in the door.
Buffy: Great! Giles?
Giles: (holding
a tape recorder) Recording bat sonar is something
soothingly akin to having one's teeth drilled.
Buffy: (takes
the tape recorder) Let's roll!
They all head for the door.
1907. She's, like, 90 years old!
Giles: And
extremely well preserved!
Cut to Natalie's basement. She is looking back and
forth between the
boys.
Blayne: Oh, God!
(goes through the hole into Xander's cage) Uh, he did
that, he broke the cage, take him, not me, take him!
Cut to Giles, Buffy and
get out and run up to the door.
Giles: What
now, exactly? We can't just kick the door down.
Buffy: Yeah,
that *would* be wrong.
She gets ready to kick, but the door opens. An old
lady is there.
Miss French: Hello,
dear! I thought I heard... Are you selling
something? Because I'd like to help you out, but... You
see, I'm on a
fixed income.
Buffy: I'm
looking for Miss French.
Miss French: I'm
Miss French.
Buffy: Natalie
French, the substitute biology teacher?
Miss French: (laughs)
Goodness, that's me! I taught for over thirty
years. I retired in 1972.
Buffy: (to
Giles) I can't believe this! She used Miss French's records
to get into the school. She could be anywhere!
Miss French: No,
dear! I'm right here!
Cut to Natalie's basement.
Xander: What's
she doing?
Blayne: I think
it's eeny, meeny, miney...
Xander: Moe?
The camera closes in on Xander's terrified face.
~~~~~~~~~~ Part 4 ~~~~~~~~~~
Natalie's basement. She opens the door to the cage. Xander
crawls out on
his butt, bar in hand.
Xander: I'm
comin', I'm comin'.
When he's just out of the cage he swings the bar and
hits Natalie as he
gets up. She staggers. He runs for the stairs. Halfway
up Natalie trips
him with her claw, and he tumbles back down the stairs.
Cut to Miss French's house. Giles,
the car.
Giles: Abject
prayer and supplication would spring to mind.
Buffy: I saw
her walking past this park with her grocery bags. She
lives in this neighborhood.
Buffy: (stops
Buffy: We will.
Cut to the manhole cover where Buffy saw Claw Guy go
in. Buffy lifts it
off and starts to climb in.
Buffy: I won't
be long. (goes down)
Giles: W... Buffy?
Cut to Natalie's basement. Xander is tied up with
leather straps.
Natalie is in his face.
Blayne: Oh,
yeah, here it comes!
Xander: What?
What's happening?!
Blayne: How do
you like your eggs, bro, over easy or sunny side up?
Xander: Eggs?
She's gonna lay some...
He sees her lay some eggs. He flashes to Natalie's
lecture in science
class.
Natalie: The
California Mantis lays her eggs, and then finds a mate to
fertilize them.
His flashback is over, and he's scared.
Cut to the manhole.
Willow: (into
the hole) Come on, Buffy!
Cut to some bushes. There are sounds of Claw Guy
swinging his arm and
ropes whipping through the air. Buffy pushes Claw Guy
out of the bushes.
His arms are tied behind his back.
Claw Guy: You!
Buffy: Me!
She shoves him down the street. Cut to Natalie's
street. Buffy is
pushing Claw Guy down the sidewalk in front of her. Giles
and
follow.
Buffy: Come on!
Come on, where is she? Which house is it? I know you're
afraid of her, I saw you! Come on!
Claw Guy begins to react to Natalie's presence.
Buffy: Come on.
What? What is it? This is her, isn't it, this is her
house? This is it! Better than radar!
She lets go of him. Claw Guy cuts the ropes with his
blades.
He swings at Buffy, but she leans back in time, only
to trip and fall
backward over the miniature picket fence running along
the walk to the
house. Claw Guy jumps to follow. She crawls backward
on her butt until
she hits the fence on the other side of the lawn. She
rips a picket from
the fence and thrusts it into Claw Guy as he takes
another swing at her.
He falls over dead. Giles breathes a sigh of relief.
Cut to the basement. Natalie advances on Xander.
Natalie: Kiss
me! (laughs) Kiss me!
Xander: Can I
just say one thing? HEEEELLLLP! HEEEELLLLP!
Buffy smashes the basement window and slides in.
Blayne: Uh,
hey, o-over here, hello! In the cage!
She pulls her bag though the window.
Buffy: (to
Natalie) Let him go!
She runs down the stairs and sets the bag down.
window, too. Buffy pulls two cans of insect spray from
the bag and
sprays Natalie in the face. Giles climbs in as
to open the cage. The spray disorients Natalie. Giles
comes down the
stairs now too. Buffy points him at Xander.
Blayne: Help me!
Help me!
Buffy: (to
Giles) Get them outta here!
She pulls the tape recorder and a machete from her bag.
Blayne: Hey,
help me! Help me!
Giles undoes the leather straps holding Xander. Natalie
retreats to the
back of her nest. Buffy starts to close in on her.
Buffy: Remember
Dr. Gregory? You scarfed his head? Yeah, well, he
taught me, you do your homework, you learn stuff. Like
what happens to
your nervous system when you hear this!
She plays the tape. It's Giles' voice. Buffy stares at
the machine in
disbelief.
Tape: ...extremely
important to file not simply alphabetically...
Buffy: (back to
Giles) Giles!
Giles: (on the
floor pointing at Natalie) I-it's the wrong side!
Natalie knocks the tape recorder and machete from
Buffy's hands. Giles
watches the recorder fly over him, hit the ground and
slide under a
refrigerator. He scrambles to get it. Buffy turns her
attention back on
Natalie. Natalie tries to trip Buffy, but she jumps
over her claw.
Xander comes up next to her with a can of bug spray
and sprays it into
Natalie's face. Buffy pushes him away from danger, and
Natalie takes the
opportunity to knock her down. Buffy raises herself
onto her hands and
one leg, and with the other does two crouching side
kicks to Natalie's
legs to keep her at bay. Giles searches under the
refrigerator. Buffy
kicks again. She sees the machete on the floor and
grabs it. Giles has
the recorder now, jumps around on the floor with the
recorder in front
of him and plays the tape. The sounds of bat sonar
severely hurt and
disorient Natalie. She flails her claws around.
Buffy: Bat
sonar. Makes your whole nervous system go to Hell. You can
go there with it!
She slashes at Natalie fiercely and repeatedly with
the machete, hacking
her to pieces. She's winded afterward. Giles gets up.
to Xander. Blayne is out of his cage. They look at the
carnage.
Giles: Well, I...
I'd say it's deceased.
Xander: (to
Buffy) You okay?
Buffy: Yeah.
Xander: Just
for the record, you were right, I'm an idiot, and God
bless you!
Buffy lowers her head.
Xander: (to the
others) And thank you guys, too.
Blayne: Yeah,
really!
Giles: Pleasure...
after virgins.
Xander laughs and looks back and forth between the
girls.
Xander: (to
thing, when a lot of other boys your age...
Blayne: Flag
down on that play, babe. I am *not*...
Giles: (interrupts)
Well, you see, that's the She-Mantis' modus
operandi. Uh, she only preys on the pure.
Xander: Well,
isn't this a perfect ending to a wonderful day!
Blayne: My
dad's a lawyer. Anyone repeats this to anybody, they're
gonna find themselves facing a lawsuit.
Xander: Blayne!
Shut up!
Xander holds up the machete.
Xander takes the machete over to Natalie's nest, looks
it over and
starts hacking away at it.
Cut to the Bronze. Buffy is at the bar wearing Angel's
jacket. Angel
comes up behind her. Buffy senses him and looks up at
him.
Angel: (smiles)
I heard a rumor there was, uh, one less vampire walking
around making a nuisance of himself.
Buffy: There is.
Guess I should thank you for the tip.
Angel: Pleasure's
mine.
Buffy: Course,
it would make things easier if I knew how to get in
touch with you.
Angel: I'll be
around.
Buffy: Or who
you were?
Angel just smiles and moves around to the other side
of her.
Buffy: Well... Anyway,
you can have your jacket back.
Angel: It looks
better on you.
He turns and leaves. Buffy stares after him. Angel
gives another look
back and disappears into the crowd.
Buffy: (to
herself) Oh boy!
Cut to science class the next day. There's a new
science teacher.
Teacher: All
midterm papers will be exactly six pages long. No more, no
less. One third of your grade will be dependent...
The camera closes in on Buffy, daydreaming.
Teacher: ...on
those papers. No more, no less.
The bell rings. Buffy comes back to Earth. Everyone
gets up and leaves.
On the way out Buffy sees Dr. Gregory's glasses still
on the lab bench
where she left them. She picks them up and remembers
him. She sees Dr.
Gregory's jacket still hanging on the hook on the
closet door and goes
over to put the glasses in a pocket. Cut to inside the
closet. As she
closes the door the camera pans down from Buffy to a
lower shelf and
stops on a cluster of She-Mantis eggs attached
underneath. One of the
eggs hatches.
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